I Don't See Any Appeal to This
by GracelessLamb
Summary: Marie Norton wakes up in the middle of a forest with no memory of how she got there. To her horror, she has landed in a world of ninjas and bishies. Unable to interact or fend for herself, she is captured by the Akatsuki , a fangirl's dream, her nightmare
1. Prologue

**Summary:** Marie Norton wakes up in the middle of a forest with no memory of how she got there. To her horror, she has landed in a world of ninjas and hot bishies. Unable to communicate or fend for herself, she is captured by the Akatsuki , a fangirl's dream, her worst nightmare.

**Genre:** Adventure and Humor with a smidge of Romance

**Rating:** T (If I actually attempt this as a romance, it might be raised to M. Maybe.)

**Pairing:** Ha ha ha like I'd tell you. That'd just ruin the story. (okay shut up I don't know yet)

**Author's Note:** Hey, folks! I'm GracelessLamb, and this is my first fanfic! I've been a long-time reader of Internet fanfiction (at least 7 or 8 years), and this is my first dive into actually writing and posting something! (Um..that one time when I was 13 does NOT count.) I'm new at this writing thing, so I decided to start with the biggest cliché in the book: semi-self insert! Yay! I honestly am just using this plot as an excuse to exercise my writing skills, not as some sort of sick Mary Sue fantasy story…thing! :D

**Edit note: I have edited this chapter as of August 10th, 2011, changing tenses and making the story flow a little better. Hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer:** I'm poor. Don't sue. Naruto does not belong to me.

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><p>I have never been the type of person who has ever enjoyed the "great outdoors". At all. Okay, I admit, the natural world is a glorious marvel that should be enjoyed by many…from their televisions. I climbed a couple of mountains in high school with my youth group and as gorgeous as the scenery was to look at…the dirt, the rain, and the heat made the entire experience suck.<p>

You can call me a girly girl all you want, but I don't enjoy the feeling of not being able to shower for days. It's gross. Dirt is…dirty and it gets under your fingernails and as a semi-professional violinist, I'm not even supposed to HAVE fingernails.

You can safely assume that I was not a happy camper when I found myself in the middle of the forest in my pink and white sheep pajamas and barefoot.

My mind went into overdrive, as I tried to retrace my steps. I remembered that I fell asleep in my own bed last night which, by the way is INDOORS. Maybe someone decided to kidnap me…no, a) I lived in a gated community, b) the house had a super awesome security system, and c) the Norton family dog would've bothered my captor until he or she would have given her the attention she rightfully deserved. Furthermore, why would anyone in their right mind want to kidnap an unemployed 20 year old college drop out?

Or maybe my parents decided to kick me out without my knowledge and they just dumped me in the middle of the woods next door. They COULD legally do that, after all. But, really, my parents were kind and caring people who would never do that to their beloved daughter, no matter how tempted they were to doing so at the time. Also the woods I had found myself in looked nothing like the woods next to my house. These woods were more like the woods in Colorado, with hills, which was very unlike the flat ground in Louisiana and there was no humidity in the air, which was VERY unlike my home, especially around this time of year.

No, I was definitely not in Louisiana anymore.

Then, the logic part of my brain broke, and I started to think without it. Maybe…maybe I was abducted by aliens. No, no this looks like Earth. Maybe the aliens that abducted me sent me back to the Prehistoric times. I hadn't seen anything that would indicate that I had traveled back in time, but I still kept it as a possibility. I laughed out loud.

"I must be losing my mind, if I'm starting to believe in abduction theories." I mumbled to myself.

Then it hit me.

I don't know why it crossed my mind. It was probably because I read WAY too much fanfiction, but….what if I had been sucked into a fictional world like one of those Mary Sue characters who end up falling for the hottest male in the story.

Oh Gawd.

To be perfectly honest, I find these stories to be undeniably awkward. It's like you're reading the innermost sexual (or non sexual, but usually sexual) fantasies of the author writing the story. It's …icky, especially if you know what the author looks like, which she will probably describe her looks in extreme detail, leaving out all her flaws. She then turns into the perfect fighter and/or most talented person in the story and every single male character will fall head over heels for her.

Luckily, I have outgrown the stage in which I thought fictional men were the hottest thing ever. From the ages thirteen to sixteen, I was a huuuuuge Naruto fan-girl. I have realized since then that Naruto will never end and despite having a very colorful cast of characters, the writers will never do anything with them and the plot will always be bland. I still read Naruto fanfiction, out of nostalgia, but I haven't seen the show in years. I still love anime. I just love…good anime. I enjoy anime with an actual plot that actually ends unlike most of the shows in the mainstream.

My alien theory seemed like the most logical reason. It seemed much more logical than being dumped in some sort of anime fangirl's dream.

I searched the dirt covered ground for something I would be able to use as a weapon. If I had been thrown back in time, I needed some sort of large stick to fend off the predators. Since I was barefoot, I would not be able to run as fast as I could, due to the large possibility that there were sharp things littered all over the forest.

"I…am going to die a very miserable death." I whimpered as I grabbed a large stick from the ground. I was a big pink and white target, thanks to my attire and bright dyed "cinnaberry" hair (at least, that's what the box called it. It looks maroon to me).

I walked slowly forward, having no idea where I was or where I was going. I walked for about an hour before I had to take a break. So far so good. I had stepped on a few sharp objects along the way, but l could still walk despite my aching feet.

I still have not observed any sign of modern civilization, which made my alien abduction/time travel theory sound even more logical, even though I had not observed any sign of dinosaurs trying to bite my head off.

I sat down on a friendly looking rock, and gazed at the sky through the trees. I was already exhausted even though I had only been walking a short amount of time. I leaned against the tree and closed my eyes, praying that when I opened them, that I would be in my own bed, and not stranded in the middle of nowhere.

I felt a sharp wind above my head. I opened my eyes and my fears were confirmed.

There were blurs of various colors flying above my head. I took a closer look at the blurs and noticed they were human.

Ninja. They had to be ninja. But they definitely weren't the historical type of ninja.

They were Naruto-style shinobi with their forehead protectors and bright clothing, completely visible, but still very fast and deadly.

I groaned.

I predicted I would probably be captured and tortured for trespassing on territory in a matter of hours.

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><p>My feet were hurting. I had fallen at least 10 times throughout the day, and I was ready to go home.<p>

The sun had started to set. I had been walking and taking frequent breaks for most of the day. I needed to find shelter soon because I was sure that scary things came out at night in the forest. I thought about sending a smoke signal to alert everyone around me. I hoped someone from Leaf or the surrounding villages would save me, if I was lucky. Or… agents from the Akatsuki would capture me and I would be tortured to death. I was pretty sure they wouldn't be very kind to their prisoners despite all the fanfiction portrayals that said otherwise.

But there was one problem with that plan: I had no idea how to start a fire.

Then I initiated plan B. It was probably the stupidest plan B in the history of plan B's.

"HELP! I'M LOST! SOMEONE RESCUE ME! PLEASE? I'M HUNGRY! SAVE ME, SASUKE-KUN! OR…uh…LEEE? KAKASHI-SENSEI? …."I listed off as many characters from Naruto as I could. This went on for at least half an hour.

"…ANKO? IBIKI? Uhh…KISAME?" At this point I was running out of hero and random Japanese names I made up on the spot. Naruto has way too many characters. Seriously, why doesn't the man do anything with them?

I heard a noise. The wind blew sharply and the leaves rustled behind me.

Something hit the side of my neck and everything went black.

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><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong> And...since that seems like a good stopping point, I am going to end the chapter here. Actually..really it's more of a prologue since nothing really exciting happened. ANYWAY. READ! REVIEW! TELL ME I SUCK! =D Or…whatever encouraging words you can come up with.


	2. Chapter 1: I'm definitely going to die

A/N: Wow, people actually like this? I'm shocked (and flattered since this is the first thing I've dared to post) Again, this is un-beta'd.

Disclaimer: I'm unemployed, and a college drop out. Don't own Naruto.

Special thanks: I'd like to thank Google Translate for the Japanese used in this fic. If you think I actually sat down and researched the grammar of Japanese for this, you'd be sorely mistaken. I may have a lot of time on my hands, but I don't have THAT much time on my hands. Don't worry, I put the translation for you so reading this wouldn't be tedious and annoying. Just remember that Marie has no idea what they're saying, even though she has a vague idea. Also, thanks to Glitterthorn for graciously helping me get a vague idea of where I wanted to take this story.

Other A/n: The thing about recognizing tone of voice is true. As a trained musician, I can recognize certain emotions based on the tone of voice, speaking or singing. It's one of those things you pick up if you sit through enough classical voice recitals, private lessons, and theory classes.

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><p>When I regained consciousness, I found myself in yet another unfamiliar place: A bathroom. Those bastards, whoever they were, tied me to a sink.<p>

Jerks.

If only they were morons and chained me to the toilet. Then I could probably get myself free. But no, there was no way to free myself from the clutches of the nefarious sink. I figured it was time to do what every lovely damsel in distress does in this situation: scream until someone came to save me.

"HELP! SAVE ME! SOS! SOMEONE GET THEIR NINJA ASS IN HERE AND UNTIE ME!"

I heard a few manly chuckles from outside the door.

They were mocking me. Bastards.

"I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE. I CAN HEAR YOU. COME IN HERE AND FACE ME LIKE MEN, YOU PANSIES!" They could kill me. What possessed me to say this?

More manly chuckling followed by footsteps. I was positive they were going to kill me.

The door opened to reveal two men in Akatsuki cloaks. Being the nerd that I am, I recognized them both immediately.

The man on the right had long blond hair pulled in a high ponytail, long bangs covering one of his eyes, which were this really pretty blue color, by the way (bluer than my eyes. I was jealous). I'm pretty sure his name was Deidara.

The man on the left was taller and had his face hidden by an orange and black swirly mask with a hole for one of his eyes to gaze at me. If I wasn't mistaken, the guy's name was Tobi, and he was apparently a fairly enthusiastic fellow who annoyed most people.

"カリンねえ、なぜあなたが黙っていない、そう？" said Deidara. (Translation: Hey, Karin, why don't you shut up, yeah?)

Great. He didn't speak English. Just perfect. I assumed he told me to shut up judging by his irritated tone of voice.

I glared at him, trying my hardest to look as menacing as possible. Which honestly isn't saying much. I have very large eyes, making my menacing stares look like a spoiled brat who is back-talking to her parents because she isn't getting her way.

"Let me go, you girly bastard!" I snarl.

"デイダラさま何と彼女は言っている？私は彼女を理解することはできません。"said the one called Tobi, poking at his partners side.

(Translation: Deidara-sama, what is she saying? I can't understand her.)

"私が知っていれば地獄。彼女はそうでもうんざり。" replied Deidara, tilting his head to the side. (Translation: Hell if I know. She seems pissed though.)

They seemed to be conversing amongst themselves, ignoring me for the moment.

This was going to be difficult.

I wondered if I should mention their names, maybe they would pay attention to me. Then again, these two seemed like the type to hurt people who knew who they were. Knowing I was incapable of defending myself, I decided against mentioning their names. Instead, I would refer to them with various insults. Lucky for me, they didn't understand a word of English. I smirked. This was going to be kinda fun.

"Yo, male who's more feminine than me, mind letting me go?"

"あなたは我々が、愚かな女の子を理解している言語で話していただけませんか！" said Deidara, apparently getting frustrated, judging by the tone in his voice. (Translation: Would you mind speaking in a language that we understand, you stupid girl!)

"Do you need me to speak slower for you? Okay. Untie. Me. I. Am. Of. No. Use. To. You. Uh..Watashi wa no habla le Nihongo desu." Ugh. This is going to be difficult. Once they find out I'm useless, they're probably just going to kill me. Maybe convincing them to let me go is a bad idea. Also, I'm pretty sure I just slaughtered two, no THREE languages in one sentence.

They both stared at me with looks of confusion (Well, I assume Tobi did beneath the mask). Obviously they don't understand a word of Frenchishese either. Neither do I, actually.

"デイダラさま、私は彼女が私たちの言語を話すとは思わない。" said Tobi to his irritated partner. (Translation: Deidara-sama, I don't think she speaks our language.)

"私は、彼女は無力な演技で彼女の外出をさせることに私たちを騙ししようとしていると思う。それは仕事に行くのではない。我々はまだあなたがそれかどうかを好むかどうか本部暁にあなたを取っている。策略のあなたの試みは無用です。" said Deidara, obviously not convinced that I was really as helpless as I seemed to be,. (Translation: I think she's trying to trick us into letting her go by acting helpless. It's not going to work. We're still taking you to Akatsuki headquarter whether you like it or not. Your attempts of trickery are useless.)

Even though I had no knowledge of Japanese, my musically trained ear could recognize certain emotions and tones of the voice. I guess sitting through all of those music classes did me some sort of good for the future.

Of course, I had no idea I would be in this sort of situation. Ever.

"のは、ちょうど本社に彼女を取ると彼女の尋問を始めましょう。私はとの以上であることがこのミッションのための準備ができています。" said Deidara with a irritated sigh. (Translation: Let's just take her to the headquarters and start her interrogation. I'm ready for this mission to be over with.)

He moved next to the sink, pulled out another rope and tied my legs together before moving to release me from the sink, keeping the rope around my hands.

"Uh, where are you taking me?" I asked, even though I knew he didn't understand a word I said.

He ignored me and threw me over his shoulder and headed towards the door.

"Hey! Bastard, I did not consent to this!" I attempted to struggle from his grasp, but his grip on me was too tight. I would've bit him, but sadly my mouth was nowhere near a place where it would hurt.

"カリンさん私たちはあなたにいくつか質問をする私たちの本部にあなたを取っている。あなたが協力すれば、私たちはあなたを手放すことがあります。そんなわけで、苦労してみませんか？" said Deidara, attempting to calm my struggle. (Translation: Karin-san we're taking you to our headquarters to ask you a few questions. If you cooperate, we might let you go. So don't struggle, yeah?)

I then noticed that he called me 'Karin-san'. My limited knowledge of Naruto canon told me that Karin was one of Sasuke's traveling partners. That really annoying one that sort of acted like Sakura and Ino put together when it came to fangirling about Sasuke. She is commonly bashed in fanfiction, as "that bitch who steals Sasuke-kun". Honestly I haven't seen much of her to form an opinion of her, as I stopped caring about Naruto canon to see much of her.

I don't even look like her. Well, maybe if you take off her glasses and darken her hair about 3 shades, I could RESEMBLE her. Maybe.

This could be a good and bad thing. This could keep me alive for a while longer if they think I could be useful to them. They probably want Karin to tell them the whereabouts of Sasuke, who could be a threat to the Akatsuki, since the first half of his existence is to kill one of their best agents out of revenge for slaughtering his clan. If I'm lucky, Karin could really be missing and Sasuke would save me from the clutches of this evil organization before they realize that I'm not the person that they are looking for.

Though really, knowing Sasuke, he probably doesn't give a crap about Karin's well-being. Oh well, at least I could hope.

Once they find out I'm not Karin, I'm screwed. They'll kill me on the spot. I'm probably going to be brutally tortured and maimed.

I've always had a high tolerance for pain (it comes with being completely uncoordinated), but I've never gotten seriously injured.

I realized it was time to mentally prepare for the psychological and mental torture that was inevitable. As I was being carried away to a place that would probably be the last place I would ever see, I closed my eyes and took deep, slow breaths, assessing my situation.

After we left the inn, Deidara conjured up a bird from that weird exploding clay of his. He and Tobi hopped on the bird, and we flew away, to my inevitable demise.

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><p>AN: And, that's the end of the first chapter! Read, review, criticize, tell me I suck, etc. This is a lot of fun to write, and I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it! Until next time!


	3. Chapter 3: Death is upon me

A/N: I'm back again! I know, I know, it took me FOREVER to update. About time, eh? =D Again, unedited and unbeta'd.

Disclaimer: No own this. No sue. Okay? Okay.

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><p>'Dear friends, and family,<p>

I'm sorry that my time on God's green Earth were cut short, but due to unfortunate circumstances, I was taken from it by ninjas at barely 20 years of age. This is my last will (s) and testament.

To my dear parents, I leave you my empty rooms and my love. I wish I had more to give you, but I don't own very much.

To my dear sister, I leave all of my books, cash and CDs, may you never steal them from me again.

To my dear friend Rochelle, I leave my laptop and all of its contents. Please inform my friends via Facebook of my tragic demise. '

This went on for most of the journey. I even put my captives in my will too: I left Deidara all of my make-up and hair care products along with my violin, and Tobi my PS2. I highly doubt they'll give me the chance to write my will on paper. Even if they did, it would take them forever to translate it and send it off to an alternate universe on the other side of the continent.

It felt like we flew for hours. I was thankful I didn't have a fear of heights, or this would have been more of a terrible experience then being captured and most likely tortured to death by criminals would have been on its own.

It was a very silent journey. Tobi tried striking up a few conversations with Deidara, but Deidara just seemed annoyed with Tobi's existence to even respond to his attempts.

Poor guy. I felt sorry for him.

Finally, after what seemed like an entire lifetime, the painfully awkward flight to wherever they were taking me had come to an end. Deidara's clay bird prepared to land in a small clearing in the middle of the forest.

Again I was thrown over Deidara's shoulder, to my dismay. This was a very uncomfortable position for me. It's bad enough that both my hands and feet were tied, being upside down for a long period of time makes me dizzy, thanks to all the blood rushing to my head.

"ええと...デイダラ - 先輩？どのように彼女は私たちが理解する言語で話すことを望んでいないのなら、彼女のあらゆる情報を得るつもりですか？" asked Tobi, with a bit of hesitation in his voice as they escorted me to my doom. (Translation: Uh…Deidara-sempai? How are we going to get any information out of her if she isn't willing to speak in a language that we understand?)

"サスケは、いくつかの外国語でいくつかの訓練を持っていたかなり確信して、うん。我々は彼が彼女との通信に得られます。" answered Deidara. (Translation: Pretty sure the Uchiha has had some training in a few foreign languages, yeah. We'll get him to communicate with her.)

At this point they had entered a stone passageway, which I assumed led to the Akatsuki Center of Torture, Interrogation, and Execution. Torches led the way through the dark passage, giving the area the medieval torture dungeon look (probably on purpose).

"This place just screams 'evil lair of misery'." I mumbled to myself.

"ていることは何だった、カリンさん？なぜあなたは私たちが一度には理解できる言語で話すのですか？それはおそらく、すべての私達のためによりよいよ、ええ。" Deidara seemed to direct this at me. Of course I had no idea what he said. He seemed to ask me a question and state something afterwards, according to the inflections in his voice. (Translation: What was that, Karin-san? Why don't you speak in a language that we understand for once? It'll probably be better for us all, yeah.)

"Ughhh…I don't understand what you are saying, you blonde Asian she-male. Are we there yet?" I complained.

"私はあなたが非常に困難になるつもり参照してください。サスケがあなたと一緒に行われる後に変更されるどんなに、。" He seemed amused by this statement. The sadistic bastard probably said something about me being tortured or something. I also heard the name 'Uchiha' mentioned. (Translation: I see you're going to be extremely difficult. No matter, that will change once the Uchiha gets done with you.)

Great. I'm going to be interrogated and most likely slaughtered by Itachi Uchiha, by far the more attractive of the Uchiha brothers, and definitely the most deadly. On the bright side, at least I will get some eye candy whilst I die a gory death.

Deidara finally stopped to open a wooden door, which led to a hallway of more wooden doors with locks. If I wasn't so terrified, I would've laughed at the total cliché medieval bondage dungeon scenery that was around me. It was so cheesy.

He finally set me down on a rather firm mattress, making all the blood rush to my head at once. While my vision cleared, he untied the ropes on my legs and hands. I couldn't feel my legs or hands for a few moments, as the blood that was cut off thanks to the tightness of the ropes flooded back into circulation. I really hate that tingly feeling that you get when your arm or leg falls asleep, but that was nothing compared to the numbness I felt after having my hands and feet tied for such a long period of time.

Even though I was free of my bonds, I still couldn't move. Stupid blood circulation.

"私はしばらくの間戻ってきます。逃げようとする考えさえしないでください。" said Deidara with a hint of warning in his voice. I assumed he told me not to escape. Pft. Like I could in the state I was in. (Translation: I'll be back in a while. Don't even think about trying to escape.)

"HEY! Why don't you get me food while you're out!" I yelled after him. Might as well ask for a last meal.

I lay down on the sad excuse for a mattress and stared at the stone ceiling. This was the end. I might as well sleep.

I turned over to my side and fell into a light slumber.

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><p>"大井、カリンさん。あなたはそう、訪問者を持っている。"<p>

(Translation: Oi, Karin-san. You have a visitor, yeah.)

I was nudged awake. I opened my still-sleep-deprived eyes and sat up to the best of my ability (which wasn't saying much, since the bed made the aches and pains I had already suffered multiply by tenfold).

Deidara was standing in front of a tall young man in his early 20s with long black hair tied loosely in a low pony tail. His eyes were a mix of red and black, a menacing mix of color that would immobilize any person unable to defend themselves against him with pure fear. His face was partially covered by the collar of his Akatsuki cloak, but I knew who the man was as soon as my large and terrified blue eyes met his red ones.

It was Itachi Uchiha.

"ドア、デイダラを守りなさい。" he quietly murmured to Deidara. (Translation: Guard the door, Deidara.)

Deidara nodded, and left the room, leaving me alone with Itachi.

There was a dangerous silence that was in the air for awhile.

Finally, I got the courage to speak first.

"Please…don't kill me."

God, I'm pathetic. Here I was, about to die at the hands of Itachi Uchiha, and that was my best defense for my life.

He chuckled darkly without any humor.

"No need for such extreme measures." he said with accented, but still understandable English.

"Just get it over with! I have nothing to offer you whatsoever and I…wait. You speak English?" I was too terrified to notice that he had answered me in my own language until I had already started speaking.

"I speak many languages."

"I…see."

This had to be the most awkward situation I had ever been in my life. Here I was, terrified, only to find out that I probably WON'T be killed after all.

"I already know you are not Karin, but I am curious about who you are. You are obviously not a ninja, your impractical attire and non-aggressive demeanor tell me that much."

I turned about five shades of red. I was still wearing my sheep pajamas. Itachi Uchiha is commenting on my sheep pajamas. This is also the most embarrassing moment of my life. It's depressing that my last few moments of living are going to be also the most awkward and embarrassing moments of my life.

"So tell me, who are you and how did you get here?"

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><p>AN: AND BAM! Cliffhanger! Two chapters in one day! I am on a roll! Read, review, criticize, etc. I'm having a ton of fun writing this.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note**: Sorry, I haven't updated in awhile. Parental forces declared martial law on my internet, plus I hit a major roadblock in the story. But now I have gotten past that roadblock and we can move on!

**Also I REALLY think this story has some really awkward points word-wise. So if anyone wants to beta for me that would be AMAZING.**

Disclaimer: I only own my imagination.

**Other Author's note: I edited the prologue, and hopefully improved it a bit! Go check it out!**

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><p>This was not good.<p>

Pretending to be Karin was my only way of staying alive. I knew that if I didn't prove my usefulness to them, they would most likely kill me. That's the way most criminals work, fangirls. They wouldn't set me free to roam around the base wherever I wished. There was also _no_ way I was going to be able to seduce any of them into keeping me alive. I may be slightly attractive to most people, but I am no seductress. ESPECIALLY since most of these men are prettier than I am.

I'm jealous.

All of that aside, I had to think carefully and quickly about my answer. _Should I tell him who I really was and risk getting executed by the infamous Itachi Uchiha? Or should I lie?_ I thought. I was always taught that it was better to tell the truth than to lie_. But what if I withhold the truth with another question? Yeah, that might work!_ I hoped to stall this interrogation as long as possible.

"What are you going to do with me now that you know that I'm not Karin? " I asked hesitantly.

"You are avoiding my question. I know you are hiding something from me. I can see it in your eyes. You can't fool me. " he said, his red eyes glaring into my soul. I didn't realize the Sharingan could do such a thing.

"My…name…is Marie Norton." I reluctantly answered his question.

"Your accent indicates that you are from the Americas. Tell me, how can an American woman appear out of thin air in the middle of a forest in Japan?"

Crap. He knew. I would play dumb, but that was beneath me. I knew how he figured it out. Itachi has never been a moron.

"Your powers of observation are impressive, Itachi Uchiha."

He suddenly pinned me against the wall with his right arm, knocking all of the air out of me. I had never seen anyone react that fast in my life.

"No one told you my name, did they? You already knew it, didn't you?" he snarled, tightening his arm that was pinning me to the wall.

"Ugh….y-yes?" I managed to stumble out an answer even though I could barely breathe.

"HOW!"

He leaned closer to me, his eyes blazing. This man was terrifying.

I managed to make a choking motion with my hands around my throat and pointed to his arm that blocked my air. He managed to understand the hint and let me down from his grasp.

"In…America…and…other parts of the world…Japan included…there is an animated…program…known as _Naruto_."

This seemed to spark his attention. "You know who Naruto is?"

"…Yeah."

"Do you also know what he is?"

"…Sort of? I…used to be a big fan of ….the show…but…I have…not seen it in years…It's still going. I…haven't cared about it…in four years."

I'm such a wimp. But maybe telling him will keep me alive. I hope.

"I assume you know who I am, am I correct?"

"Itachi Uchiha…former Konoha ninja…prodigy…graduated from the academy at age 8…killed his entire clan except his younger brother Sasuke Uchiha at age 15…member of the criminal organization Akatsuki…your partner's name is Kisame…he's blue."

He smirks. "I think you can be of use to us after all."

I do not like the sound of this.

"Since you are obviously not a threat to any of us, we will let you roam free in our base. Do not try to escape, because we will find you and kill you." Itachi instructed. He's so warm and hospitable. Ugh.

I gulped. "Alright. Does this mean I get better quarters, different clothes and use of a shower?" He better let me wash. I couldn't live with myself if I don't shower every other day AT THE LEAST.

"I will see if there are any spare rooms available. If not, you might have to have a roommate."

"What about the shower?"

"Yes."

"And the change of clothing?"

"Yes."

"What about food? Are you going to feed me?"

"What do you think?" Itachi was getting irritated.

"Geez, I was just wondering! Does anyone else understand English around here?"

"No."

Great. Just great. The only person I could converse with in this place just happens to be the most anti-social man I have ever met in my life.

I hate my life so much right now.

* * *

><p><em>There was a knock at my door. I opened it to reveal the irritating Uchiha with a dazed look on his face, which is extremely out of character for the man who knows more than everyone else. <em>

"_What do you want, Itachi?" I asked, not sure if I wanted to know the answer or not. _

"_I…think you should follow me," he said airily. "We found another one."_

"_Uh...huh. And you didn't kill her?"_

"_She…beat up the operatives who tried to get rid of her. After she defeated them, she demanded to be brought to headquarters."_

"_And I should care…why, exactly?" I was a civilian. Itachi reporting this kind of information to me, the useless half-prisoner, was odd._

"_She's an American."_

"_What's her name?"_

"_Koraru Kagome McCoston."_

"_Excuse me for a second."I tried to stay calm before I shut the door and let out a silent scream of horror. _

_After I composed myself, I opened the door and calmly let Itachi lead me to…her. _

_She was short, with breasts that I envied, her long multicolored hair fell to her butt. When I say multicolored, I mean, it changed color every second, going through all the colors of the rainbow and a few others. _

_Her eyes seemed to have BOTH the Mangekyou Sharingan AND the Byakugan. She was wearing an outfit that looked like glitter threw up on it and her shoes were ruby red. She also had purple cat ears with a matching tail. _

_God, she was tacky. _

_I seemed to be the only one who thought this, because she seemed to have the entire Akatsuki eying her with a lustful gaze. _

"_HI! I'm Koraru Kagome McCoston and I'm from AMERICA! I'm 16 years old and I looooooooooooooove anime, especially Naruto! I know every jutsu ever made, and I spend every moment of every day watching Naruto, and reading Naruto and writing Naruto fanfiction~!" She grinned. _

"_So, how did that affect your G.P.A.?" I asked smugly. _

_Her grin faded. _

"_And don't tell me…you're fluent in Japanese." I knew where this was going. This girl had to be one of the biggest Mary Sue's I had ever seen. _

_She grinned again. "Obviously."_

_I turned to Itachi. "Please don't tell me I'm rooming with her."_

"_Actually, since we have this lovely lady, we have no need for you anymore." Before he could kill me, everything went black. _

* * *

><p>I woke up screaming.<p>

The door flew open to reveal Deidara, my guard for today. He'd obviously heard me scream bloody murder and had come to investigate the commotion.

He pulled out his notepad that he used to communicate with me and scribbled a question mark.

I grabbed my notepad from my nightstand and drew a stick figure representing me with a pained expression on her face. She had a thought bubble revealing a crude likeness of Deidara with boobs, wearing a princess dress and riding a unicorn.

His eyes narrowed. He muttered something that sounded like a death threat.

I smirked and under it I drew another stick figure with X's as eyes. I then crossed out the stick figure. Translation: You can't kill me~

Deidara rolled his eyes and left my room so he could calm his instinct to kill me. The entire Akatsuki was under orders not to harm or kill me unless I attempted to escape or outlived my usefulness. I hoped I could find a way back to my world before that happened or else I'm pretty sure Deidara would be the one to execute me, since I have been ridiculing him for the past two weeks about everything from his feminine looks to his quick temper.

I had settled into a pretty stable routine. I had someone guard me each day. They made sure I didn't poke around in things that I shouldn't and things like that. I had access to pretty much the entire headquarters, save for a few locked doors, which I assume were all evil lairs where the members carried out their evil deeds, such as Hidan's weird sacrificing religion that he practices. It's their business and to be honest, I DIDN'T want to know what went behind those doors.

I had met all of the members of the Akatsuki, but only Itachi, Deidara and Tobi seemed to guard me, since everyone else seemed to be gone most of the time. They all were equally interesting, though I preferred some members over others. My favorite guard was definitely Deidara, mainly because he always overreacted to my teasing (well, when he realized I'm teasing him, at least).

Itachi had to be my least favorite guard since he actually could understand me if I tried to insult him, unlike the rest of the Akatsuki, who couldn't speak a word of English. Plus, he was always quiet, and if I tried to start a conversation with him he would either ignore me or act irritated. What a prick. But I had to spend most of my time with him, since he was the only person able to speak my language. Every afternoon, he would teach me Japanese for a few hours. I was a terrible student, and he was probably the worst possible person that they could get to teach me Japanese.

I mean, not ALL of us are freaking prodigies, y'know? He didn't seem to understand why I wasn't able to get things as quickly as he could. I was always tempted to say that he has a bloodline advantage over me, but I was always afraid that he'd slap me if I said anything.

I was actually starting to feel…somewhat comfortable in my semi-prison.

That is, until I had a new guard the next day who had to be the creepiest individual I had ever seen in my life.

* * *

><p>Author's Note: And that's the end of chapter 3! I had a lot of fun with the dream sequence, as you could probably tell. I totally made up Koraru Kagome McCoston on the spot, and she was REALLY fun to write since she's so obnoxious and ridiculously tacky. (To be honest, I kinda want to give her her own story, because she was so hilarious to write and have a non-Mary Sue character with her to balance her out and to be the straight manwoman/person) Read, review, tell me I suck, etc.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** Hey guys…it's been what, two years since I've updated? I AM SO SORRY. I kind of got lost on the road of life. School, work, how my life is going to turn out, all that fun stuff. But never fear, my muse has come back from a long hibernation and I am ready to start writing again. I'm going to eventually start editing my old chapters since it's been two years since I've written a thing on any of my fics, so expect newer and greater things.

**I See No Appeal to This**

**Chapter 5: Why yes it's time for the deux ex machina**

I had been attempting to learn Japanese for about a month now. Naturally, I had gotten nowhere thanks to my wonderful instructor. Itachi Uchiha has to be the worst teacher I had ever seen in my life. Arrogant, unhelpful, and meaner than my 2nd grade computer teacher who had previously topped my list of the meanest teachers who had ever lived.

Regardless, my fear of Itachi had waned in the past month. He was still a psychopath who murdered his clan, don't get me wrong, but he sort of reminded me of this arrogant douchebag of a guy I once dated for a few months minus the charm and the great sense of humor. Said guy broke up with me because I wasn't on his "intellectual level," whatever that means. Itachi carried that same aura of authority and the "I'm better than you because I'm a prodigy" attitude. It pisses me off.

"You're pronouncing it wrong. Your vowels are too short and your "r's" are too harsh." murmured Itachi. He never spoke loudly or clearly enough for me to hear what he was saying most of the time, which irritated me to no end.

"I'm going to speak with a heavy accent regardless, so why should I care if I pronounce it correctly?" I retorted. He never told me "good job" or mentioned anything that I did right. It's always criticism with that boy.

"Because this isn't English and you can't just skewer words just because you think they're too hard to pronounce."

"That's what I did in Spanish class and no one cared and I made a decent grade for two years in a row." I said with a smug grin on my face. Okay…so I made a "C" one year and an "A" the next, but he didn't need to know that.

"Dammit woman, this isn't Spanish either! You are never going to learn anything with that sort of attitude." Itachi always got frustrated with me. These lessons seemed to try his patience even though I'm pretty sure I'm less irritating than Tobi or Deidara.

"Well MAYBE I'd learn something if you tried some positive reinforcement once in a while instead of just telling me that I'm terrible at this stupid language." I shouted with equal frustration.

"Well MAYBE if you weren't terrible at Japanese, I wouldn't have to say anything." Oh there it is, the Uchiha Death Glare™ rears its ugly head. I wondered when it'd come out.

I sighed with frustration. This wasn't getting anywhere and both of us were sick of it not getting anywhere. Suddenly I had an epiphany.

"Hey, Uchiha."

"What." He was still glaring.

"I'm sure you'd know if there's a jutsu or secret ninja technique that translates other languages, correct?" I cursed myself for not thinking of this sooner. I would've saved both of us a lot of frustration.

"There is." Glare Glare Glare.

"Then, pardon my French, why the **fuck** have we not used it yet?"

Itachi's glare deepened.

"Because I don't want to."

The hell? Why didn't he want to use the translation thingymabobber? Was it embarrassing? Then, after about thirty seconds, it hit me. If I was in a bad fanfic, and the author wanted to get a possible ship going, they'd invent some stupid way to get the spark going. It usually involved sharing a bed or pretending to be married, etc. I'm not saying that all of these plot devices are bad persay but c'mon people. (of course I read these sorts of fics because I'm a lonely girl and I like a little fantasy every once in a while)

If Itachi didn't want to do the translation thingy, than it most likely involved touching me in an intimate manner, and it probably involved him having his tongue down my throat because y'know talking requires tongues and mouths. Otherwise he would've done the thing and saved both of us the trouble. That is the only possible explanation.

I decided to indulge myself and make him explain why he didn't want to.

"Why not, Uchiha?" His eyes flashed red. I assumed it was the Uchiha equivalent of blushing.

"It involves…consistent intimacy. Once you were proficient at speaking the language I was planning to share my knowledge of the written language with this technique because with your level of intelligence, our system of writing is way above your head. But applying the technique to speech would cause way more problems than solving them. Trust me." Oh yeah. It involves tongues. I knew it.

"Can you… give me an example? I mean with the writing."

"I don't see why not. It's only temporary. I would have to do this every 24 hours." said Itachi after a small hesitation. He stood up and moved his chair next to mine.

"Give me your hands."

"Uh…okay." I obliged. He intertwined our fingers together. His hands were rough and calloused due to his profession but they were still long and slender and dare I say it, warm.

"Now, don't be startled, but I'm going to have to press my forehead to yours."

I nodded with satisfaction. I may dislike the guy but dayum he was gorgeous.

He leaned in pressed his forehead to mine and seemed to generate an energy of some sort. It was pretty electrifying and tingly. We sat there in silence for a couple of minutes before he pulled away and went to get a sheet of paper and pencil. He scribbled something on the paper and handed it to me.

"Read that." He smirked.

I glanced at the paper and groaned a little. It said: _You're an idiot._ in plain English writing.

"Are you pulling my leg? You wrote this in English." He chuckled and scooted his chair closer again.

"Give me your hands again."

This time around I felt something leaving me. My brain had something sucked out of it. After the ordeal he handed me the paper again. Sure enough, his petty insult was written in Kanji.

"So tell me, Uchiha, if it's that easy, why won't you do that for speech and comprehension as well?"

Itachi's smirk faded and was replaced with an Uchiha Death Glare™.

"Speech requires…a great deal more intimacy."

I couldn't hold it in any longer.

"HAH. I KNEW IT INVOLVED TONGUES."

**A/N: **Okay this actually sort of wrote itself. Again, I apologize for the two year gap between updates. Read, review, tell me how awful and cliché the whole idea is. I also know this put the last chapter's continuity out of whack. I WILL be fixing that mistake soon. Poor Zetsu will have his moment of glory in the future. Maybe. Also I would LOVE a beta. So you know the drill, hit me up if you want in.

Also to reply to a reviewer regarding ages, Itachi is currently 23, Deidara is 18-19 so roughly around the same age as Marie.


	6. Chapter 6

**I Don't See Any Appeal to This**

**Chapter 6**

After my outburst the room was silent for a bit. It was awkward. I don't think Itachi expected that sort of deductive reasoning from me. Of course he hadn't confirmed my suspicions either. He just glared angrily and told me to get back to work on my vocabulary worksheet that I'm pretty sure he constructed himself because there were several shinobi terms peppered throughout the worksheet.

After I finished the worksheet I slid the finished product across the table to him. He glared at me from the book he was reading and bookmarked his place. He snatched the worksheet from the table and glanced over its contents.

"You have quite possibly the worst handwriting I've ever seen." he murmured while pulling out a red pen to administer his corrections.

"Thanks. Hey, I have a question – "

"- I had thought that my silence was clear that I did not wish to discuss the matter any further." Itachi snapped angrily. "You are not getting the easy way out of learning this language."

"I know you clearly have severe severe intimacy issues, Uchiha but you know that it would save us a lot of frustration. Besides I'm not sure if I know what you're refusing to do since you aren't willing to tell me what the transfer entails. All I know is that it involves tongues. Please, explain." I said, smirking as the Uchiha's glare turned red and murderous.

"You and I both know what it entails, Norton. I'm not giving you the satisfaction of an answer from me."

"C'mon Uchiha, We're both reasonably attractive adults. Are you saying that you _wouldn't_ like to make out with me on a daily basis?" As much as I didn't want to give in to the dumb cliché plot fixer, I may be able to get home faster if I did. Besides, the thought of making out with Itachi, the prick didn't sicken me out TOO much. Despite being an uptight asshole and a clan murderer (A/N: yes I know he had orders from Konoha for the massacre, but Marie doesn't know that) Itachi was quite pleasant to look at and if given the proper instruction, the potential to be a great kisser.

"Your American way of thinking sickens me sometimes, do you know that?"

I sigh. "Look. I just want to go home, okay? Do you understand that? This universe is pushing us together for some reason and maybe if we give in just a bit I may be out of this place and back in my own universe. I don't belong here; you and I both know that."

Itachi's eyes cooled down to their normal shade and he continued his corrections in silence. After he was finished he slid the paper back in my direction. I groaned at my results, which were not satisfactory to even an underachiever like me.

"I think these results speak for themselves."

Itachi suddenly vanished and I felt a hand on my arm forcefully turning me around to face its owner. Before I could react Itachi's lips(and tongue) descended onto mine with determination most likely attributed to getting this over with as quickly as possible. You know in those SakuIta stories where the first kiss was always a magical occasion?

…Yeah, no. Sure, there were fireworks, but the man was simply in too much of a hurry to really savor the experience. Also I'm pretty sure he's never kissed a girl before so the moment his mouth connected with mine, our teeth clashed with brutal force. Did he stop? Nope. Not until the job was done.

Afterwards he left the room before I could criticize his technique.

"Hypocritical prick…" I muttered.

**A/N: **That's right, TWO chapters in one day. I'm really gonna try to make them longer eventually once I actually get a plot going. I just really needed to get rid of the language barrier before I could actually do anything with any of the characters besides Itachi(and frankly, Itachi is really hard to write dialogue for) . I neeeeeed to write snappy dialogue you see. I feel as if it's one of my strong suites in writing. Tune in next time for more of the other Akatsuki members! (also, never fear, I STILL have not set a straight path for a ship nor do I plan on setting a straight path anytime soon. This is satire folks, first and formost) Read and review and criticize and all that jazz!


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